Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Damn Republicans

What’s a vote worth?

I’m so fed up with Republican calls and surveyors muddying my morgue that I’ve announced to friends I don’t plan to vote for any of the breeders, nor growling Gingrich. For the two weeks preceding Colorado caucuses, my otherwise silent sanctuary reverberated like a school with alarm bells blaring every 45 minutes.

“Hello?” I’d answer in my sweetest “you’re calling to offer me a job” voice, only to receive three seconds of silence as foreplay before the big bang.

“I’m Ann Romney, and I have five children….” Later, “We’re conducting a 30-second survey…,” which lasted more than a minute. “This is Team Colorado calling to remind you of the caucuses on Tuesday at 7 p.m., and did you know how horrid Rick Santorum is. He had eight children and is conservatively consuming all the nation’s food supplies! That’s why you need to vote for our More-men Mittski.”

I carefully and quickly yanked the plug to my remote phone and powered off my answering machine. Immediately a whoosh of peace enveloped my soul—till a dog started campaigning next door.

“I refuse to vote for a breeder,” I wrote my beautiful confidante. “They’re just selfish.”

“What if I paid you to vote for a breeder? Or is that illegal?” she honestly replied.

“What’s it worth?” I volleyed.

“Twenty bucks.”

Sure I believe we need change, but are any campaigning Republican contestants capable of making it good for United States Americans? As with any politician, we’ll see. Look at the current debacle.

And before any reader believes I’m against having children, I’m not. In fact, here's a photo of me practicing to give birth.
One of my closest friends has six kids, but they are from three husbands who didn’t have other offspring. That equals two kids per family. And Arnold? He had four kids. Plus one. That’s two-point-five per family.

I rest with my case—a six-pack isn’t enough.

(Maybe being celibate is getting to me, but what about Jon Huntsman Jr., five birthed, two adopted; Sarah Palin, five; Michele Bachmann, five birthed, 23 fostered.)

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